Two years ago today, Olivia was left in the front lobby of the People's No. 1 Hospital in Qinzhou. (the picture is not Olivia) I wrote a little story about what I imagine the day might have been like. Birthmother's are my heros.
A Mother’s Love
I barely slept last night knowing what today would bring. I tried to stay awake and just listen to my little girl breathe. As I placed my hand upon her heart I tried to memorize the tiny pitter patters that I felt. Somehow, I dared to hope that my love would pass from my hand into a small part of her heart and that it would remain there forever. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I prayed. Prayed for her, prayed for strength , prayed that somehow I could keep my daughter.
The warmth from the sun cascading through the small window above the bed woke me. She looked so angelic with the swirls of light bathing her. This was it. My last morning with my Ming Qing. Today I would become one of the many mothers who have had to give up her child. I never thought I would be one of them. What made me think that I was any different than they were? I never understood how they could do it. How they were able to walk away. Until I was faced with choosing life or possibly death for my own baby. Now I know that their reason, like my own, were driven by love. We tried, her father and I, to help her. Being poor is not fair but it is the fact of our life. She needs so much more than we can give. She is growing sick and we are unable to make her well. We understand that she will probably need an operation. For weeks we have taken extra jobs and even begged for money to pay for it. It is not enough. It will never be enough. We are not enough for her.
Ming Qing’s father is already in the kitchen and has prepared her bottle for her. A pain shoots through my heart as I reach for it for the last time. My darling little one has no idea what is about to happen to her. She snuggles close to me. She stares into my eyes as if she senses something is different. She tries to eat, but she’s so weak. I just hold her and absorb her scent. Her father, who has fashioned a basket with blankets for a covering, takes her and lays her in it. I tuck the note with her birthday and time of day she was born into the folds of the blankets. He asks if I want him to go with me. I tell him no. It’s my duty. I was the first one with her. I will be the last.
The 9 blocks to the hospital seem like a hundred. The weight of the basket, though actually very light, seems like I am carrying bricks. I can’t believe I am doing this. It doesn’t seem real. How will I have the strength to say goodbye? God, you must help me. You must! Why? Why? I ask Him over and over in my mind. I get no answer, yet I have an assurance that I am doing what is right. He surely has a plan for my sweet baby girl. I am the beginning. Another mother will be the end. Dear God, do you already have that mother picked out? Is she waiting for my daughter to become hers? Will You choose one who will love her as much as I do? My thoughts are coming so fast that I am nearly to the hospital for I realize it.
I slip into an alcove that is near the North entrance. It is sheltered so we cannot be seen. I set the basket on the ground and peel back the blankets. Ming Qing stirs. The cool air has awakened her. She smiles. My heart breaks. Her dimples, her shining eyes, her perfect mouth….I try to memorize them. I dare not pick her up. If I do, I may never put her down again. I lean over and kiss her so many times that she begins to squirm. The words come softly at first. “My baby girl. I love you. I love you more than my own life. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I have held you in my arms for 5 months, but I will hold you in my heart for a lifetime. I will never live a day without thinking of you and praying for you. I’m so sorry my darling.” The words are coming now between sobs. “I don’t know how I will live through this pain. I pray that one day you will know that I did this for you. Because I love you. Goodbye my darling.”
I gather the basket and dry my eyes. Looking down I quickly walk into the hospital lobby. I see a man sitting alone along one wall. He looks nice. I pray he is nice. He is turned so that his back is to me so he doesn’t see. I walk slowly toward him trying to be quiet. He still doesn’t notice me. My heart is beating so fast and so hard I'm sure he must hear it. I set the basket with my life and heart inside it down beside him. I turn and walk quickly back outside. There is a large column outside the door so I stand behind it and peer in through the glass. After a few moments, Ming Qing must have made a sound because the man turns suddenly and looks at the basket. He begins to pull back the layers of blankets. I see the look of astonishment on his face. Then, a small grin. He lifts my baby gently from her bed. He holds her close then stands and calls out to a nurse passing by. I see a flurry of activity as more people gather around. The nurse takes my Ming Qing and her basket and walks away. She goes through a door and as it closes behind her my breathing stops. I begin to feel lightheaded and I finally take a breath. I can’t believe it is over. I am alone. My arms are empty. My heart is torn. My final petition falls from lips, “May she grow up to serve You, Lord, so that one day we will meet again.”
