One Month

Today is the one month anniversary of Olivia's adoption! I can't believe it's only been a month. I feel like I was in China at least that long! And she seems like she's been home for much longer. I hope to post monthly updates here for the first year then make the keepsake book for her. I'm going to try to be pretty open about how things are going because I know that there are waiting families who are reading and I hope that it will help in some way when their little ones come home.

The first 2 weeks were very difficult. Normal, and not unexpected, but still hard. As I've mentioned before, Olivia has had 2 disruptions in her short life. She's learned that mommy's don't stay around. It will be my job to show her that I WILL be here for her. But that is going to take time. Think of it like this...If your spouse hurt you very deeply in some way, how long would it take for your trust in them to rebuilt? It's one step at a time.

I allowed Olivia to go at her own pace until I felt that she was comfortable with me. Then I took over. Although we have been doing lots of things already to promote attachment (playing games that promote eye contact, reading, carrying in the wrap, looking in the mirror while I'm holding her, etc...) I have now "stepped it up a level". I'm seeing tremendous progress as a result.

It's so very easy to miss signs of attachment issues. I'm not talking about an attachment disorder now, I just mean that it's easy to think our child is attached to us when, in reality, it's not possible to fully attach in a short period of time. It takes time to get to know someone and trust them. Even more so when your life has been disrupted. Now that Olivia is home, I can look back and see many mistakes that we made with our other adoptions. Some were not really a big deal, they would have just made things easier for our child quicker. Some WERE a big deal and we are still seeing the consequences of not spending enough one on one time. I'll cut myself a little slack...I did have three 2 year olds at one time and one had Autism. AND I didn't know what I know now! There's alot out there about the philosophy of attachment but not a lot of practical ideas.

Some of the signs that cause me to realize we need more attachment work are: Seeing Olivia freely wander away in a public place, the fact that she calls for Joe when she is upset instead of me, she isn't fully comfortable with me, she looks to me for approval before she does just about anything...in other words, she doesn't feel free to be a two year old! I've done Holding Time with her and saw great improvements immediately.

Going somewhere is such a chore! I had several errands yesterday and there's no more hopping out of the car to drop something off somewhere. Noooo, you have to get out and go around and open the van door, climb in on your knees all the way over and unbuckle Olivia, put her socks and shoes back on every time, find the sippy cup that she threw, get her out of the seat , heft the giant diaper bag up onto my shoulder, pick her up and carry her in. Then we go back out and do everything in reverse! I'm huffing and puffing by the time I get in my seat!

Overall I think that Olivia is doing really well and every day gets better and better!

Keeping Up With Olivia

I've had a few emails asking how to keep up with how Olivia is doing. I didn't explain it very well in my last post....sorry everyone!

This blog was just for travel and a few updates over the next year. We have a regular blog that I update frequently. So here's what to do if you want to continue reading our main blog:
Go to our family blog, Somewhere In The Sun. You can bookmark this site so you can go back to it whenever you want. Or you can go to Blogarithm and type in www.arnett9.blogspot.com in the URL space. Be sure to respond to your confirmation email when you get it. By doing this you will receive an email every time I post on the blog. You will then have the option of clicking the link in the email to take you to the blog.

I've added a post about Olivia's first doctor's appointment. She's doing great! If you stop by be sure to leave a comment. We LOVE hearing from you!

Adjusting

Olivia will literally turn her back to me
I don't know who loves who more
Tea in Bed! She has these boys doing her bidding. Yesterday Olivia was trying to play with Jackson. Joe said "Olivia wants to play". Jackson said "No, she want's to push me down" to which Joe replied quite loudly "Well, Let Her!". These are the same two boys who wouldn't go NEAR the "pink" bed before Olivia came home.
Well, this is one way to get long hair

Today was a better day. I think I know where we made our first mistake. The first morning home, Olivia woke up very early and Blake, knowing how tired I was, decided to let me sleep in. He took Olivia downstairs and fed her breakfast and they spent about an hour playing and having a grand time. When I came down, Olivia took one look at me and turned her back to me. She was very upset. It went downhill from there. We know better than to hand off the caregiving to anyone other than mom. We just weren't thinking. I wonder if Olivia thought I had gone away. She obviously thought "something". So, we immedietley went back to only me meeting her needs. I do the feeding, bathing, changing, disciplining, putting in the car, etc....Everyone else just plays with her. She is eating it up, which is good. But she is taking all of her fears, anger, and confusion out on the one she is closest to...Mommy. She basically won't have anything to do with me unless it is to get something she wants. Each day is getting better though, just like it did in China. Tomorrow the boys go back to school. I think that will help tremendously. The whole bonding thing has been very hard for Ben to understand. He wants to hold her all the time and thinks that what we are doing is stupid. (remember he's 17!) It does sound odd to someone who is not a parent or has not adopted before.

Bonding is much more than learning to love each other. It is learning to trust as well. When you give birth the mother meets every need of her baby and in turn the baby learns to trust her mother. The same thing has to happen when you adopt, no matter what the age. When you allow others to "help" you meet those needs, it delays the full bonding between mother and child. This is the reason I was glad that Olivia was still taking a bottle, so I could hold her close and feed her. Unfortunatley she stopped taking it while we were still in China.

Tomorrow I'm going to put her in the sling. I think that should help too. She did so well in China that it was almost inevitable that she go through this once she got home. Blake goes back to work on Tuesday and Olivia and I will settle into our daily routine. She will have nobody else to turn to but me. It breaks my heart for her to know that she trusted me once but not anymore. How difficult this must be for her and how scary! I'm glad that she has her brothers to play with because she does love them!!!

This will be my last post on this blog for a while. I will return to posting on our regular blog, Somewhere In The Sun. If you'd like to see how she's doing you can have an email sent to you when the blog is updated. Then you just click on the link to go to the blog. You can sign up at Blogarithm. (Thanks Lori for this tip. It's a great timesaver!)

I want to tell everyone who left comments or sent emails while I was in China that I am so grateful to you! Even though I was alone with my baby in a foreign country, everyday I would read your comments and they would lift my spirits and make me feel no so alone anymore. I read every single one of them and they are each a precious part of our journey. And a special thank you to my dear friend Katrina for crying with me on the other side of the world!

Homecoming

I've finally figured out how to get a post done after your bring your child home. You get up at 2 am to do it! Of course, this is normal for me since going to China anyway. Actually, I'm having an easier time adjusting to the time that Olivia. I guess becuase this is my "normal" time and I'm just getting back to it. She's adjusting to a totally new time. We've both been taking lots of naps. The late afternoon one is especially difficult to wake up from. She's not really happy about it.Olivia's final look at her homeland. She feel asleep in my arms and slept through the take off from Guangzhou. I had very mixed emotions as we flew away. I felt sad that I was taking her away from her country, her people. Yet I know that this is the plan that God has for her and that she WILL be happy. She did fantastic on the flights. I can tell you that I didn't have enough "new" toys. I'd saved the Color Wonder books for the plane and they were a lifesaver but I wish I'd had about 4 more different things for her to play with. Fruity Tic Tac's helped alot too! The flight is so incredibly LONG. Just when you think you simply cannot possibly take one more minute, you look at your watch and realize you have 6 more hours!She got to be a pro at the airline service. She was taking her tray table down when she heard the cart coming down the aisleHey, this is not Dora!Olivia meets her first family member! This is my great nephew, Justice (and yes he is great!). My sister, Vicki and her 2 children and grandson, Justice met us at the airport in Detroit. I had a 5 hr layover and they drove 2 hours to meet us. It was so fantastic to see them although, by that time, I was pretty much in a fog. Olivia really loved playing with her cousins!Vicki brought me ladybug earings!Look at the sweet signs the boys made for OliviaWhere are you?I'm willing to post this horrible picture of myself because this is Olivia's first glimpse of her daddy! Priceless!Just look at Olivia's face as she sees her Ge Ge (guh guh)She was pretty overwhelmed by seeing everyone. She did great in her car seat on the way home though.Once we got home she felt so much better. She was having a blast with her daddy and brothers.When she saw her referral photo on the table she grabbed it and started kissing it. She said "Ming Qing". It was so sweet.Talking to her Jie Jie (gee gee means sister), Jill on the phone.
Within about 30 minutes of being home she had all 4 males in our house having a tea party with her! Only one was brave enough to have his picture made. The tea parties have become a regular event. She pours everyone tea then she clinks the cups together like she's toasting! Too funny!>She loves Skip! She sneaks food to him so, of course, he hangs out with her alot!
Here's a video of her hugging Jackson & Joe.Ben gets all the kisses!
These pictures portray one happy little girl. That lasted until the next morning. The next 2 days were extremely difficutlt. I will try to post about it as soon as I can. I do want to ask for your prayers as she struggles with fear, insecurity and confusion. She's regressed drastically and is about like the 2nd day I got her. From her progress I expect for her to be much better within another week.

We're Home!

We are both exhausted but excited! I'll post pictures and an update when I can hold my eyes open fully. MANY thanks to everyone who prayed for our trip. Olivia did amazingly well.

Happy Chinese New Year! Feb 7

Today is Chinese New Year. This is the Year of the Rat in China. How awesome that our "Family Day" will be on Chinese New Year! Most of the day will be spent on a plane!
Olivia and I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year!

Feb 6 Last Day in China

Last night Olivia had another breakthrough. She went into the bathroom and sat on the side of the tub. She was jabbering on and on and then decided to get in the tub (there was no water in it). She got in and walked around it and bent down and looked at the drain, tocuhed the spout and touched the sides. She was really checking it out. Then she got out and took her socks off and got back in. She really liked it. I decided not to ruin a good thing by trying to actually bathe her. I just let her play for a while. I think we are on the road to a bath yet!!
I also finally got her to let me paint her nails. She tried wiping it off and couldn't understand why it stayedBen, Jackson, Joe, here's a shot for you. We were walking down the street and some soldiers came marching by. It was pretty cool.This morning after breakfast we went to Starbucks. This tree is outside the door. There are lots of these tangerine trees here for the New Year. Tangerines are the "lucky" fruit. The trees are decorated for Chinese New Year with the lucky money envelopes. They are supposed to be red but the Starbucks ones are pink.In front of the Victory Hotel, as we are leaving the island.
I've read on other blogs about how parents felt sad when leaving China. After I'd been here for a few days I felt kind of guilty because I knew that I would not be sad. I couldn't wait to get home! Now that our last day in China has arrived I'm filled with all sorts of emotions. After the bellboy took our luggage downstairs at the Victory, I sat in the floor with Olivia and just cried. I was overcome with sadness as well as relief that the trip is nearly over. I felt heartache as well as excitment for Olivia because of the adventure she is about to embark upon. I realize that I am taking her from her country of birth and her people. The place that God originally placed her in order for her to be the person she is, but not the place He intended for her to grow up in. Not the place where her family is.Olivia eating her lucky tangerines that were in our room when we arrived at the NovotelThe lucky envelopes had a fake gold coin in themLook who decided to take a bath tonight! She wants to look good for her daddy! She kept going into the tub and touching the faucet. So I turned it on for a second and she got real excited. I undressed her and started running the water and she was fine. She had so much fun with her stacking cups! She even poured water on her head several times. I'm so proud of her!
I can't believe I will see my boys in a little over 24 hours. It seems like it's been SO long! I know they are excited about seeing Olivia too. Jackson has been counting the hours for several days now. Tomorrow we will say goodbye to China and begin a new journey together as a family. This trip has been life changing not only for Olivia, but for me as well. I've learned alot about myself. I've learned that when I'm very tired I shouldn't trust my feelings!! I've also learned I can do some very difficult things. I may not always like it and I may not always have the best attitude, but I can do what I need to do. Olivia, my love, let's go home!

Day 9 Feb 5th

February 5, 2008
I was thinking that a lot of you who are reading the blog may not know how to pronounce some of the words so here are a few pronounciations:
Guangxi (Olivia's Province)-Gwang shee
Qinzhou (Olivia's City)-Cheen Joe
Guangzhou- Gwan Joe
Ming Qing (Olivia's Chinese & now middle name)-Meeng Cheeng
.Today we went to the Guangzhou Zoo Olivia was again, happy to see Alison. She really likes her. There was a 60% chance of rain but it only rained on us a little. It was chilly but we had a good time. We got to hear the lion roaring REALLY loud! It echoed through the zoo. It was kind of scary! Olivia was very quiet. I used a stroller for the first time so I'm not sure if that was it or not. She was better when we got back in the van to leave.

I was glad we got to see the Panda


Dont' you just love my new Chinese coat with the too short sleeves? Better to stay warm than stay in fashion!
It has become a tradition for families who adopt from China to take the Red Couch photo. There are red couches in the White Swan Hotel and you dress your children in the traditional Chinese costume and take their picture with the other children in your travel group. So, here are Olivia and Alison's pictures. They are both just adorable!
We just couldn't get Olivia to look up for their pose together. She kept trying to cover Alison with her dress
I finished up the rest of my shopping today. All of the shops will be closed tomorrow because it's Chinese New Year's Eve. Jordon, a local shopkeeper said I would be the only white person on the island because all of the other families are going home tomorrow. I'll be like a celebrity! Actually, I leave at noon to go to the airport hotel for the night. Then I leave for home Thursday morning.
Today was very busy so Olivia was pretty quiet. Once we were alone again, she started showing her sweet personality. While we were shopping she was SO good I just couldn't believe it. We were in Jordan's for over an hour and she played with a few toys but was very well behaved. I think that she realizes she belongs with me but I wouldn't go so far as to say she is happy. Generally, she is a happy child, but there are obvious signs of security issues and some saddness. I'll be so glad when we are home and in a good normal routine.
She's very comical in the evenings. Here's a video of her singing a song to me.

Day 8 Feb 4th

Last night Olivia was in rare form! She was having such a great time talking to everyone at home. When she saw Joe on the webcam she said, really loud and clear, "Hi Joe!". Joe was so shocked that he just stared at her with his mouth open. It was so cute. She's really getting to know her family by seeing and talking to them twice a day. She and Daddy have several things they do each day. One of them is that he copies what she does. She always initates it and waits for his response. Last night she was pretending like she was feeding him.

She had lots of fun trying on her squeaky shoes
I can fix my own hair!
Olivia has found a new favorite food...French Fries!
So, after a simply wonderful evening, she woke up very reserved again. In fact, it took almost the entire day before she became playful again. The best thing about today is that this is very first day that there was not a single episode of crying!

This afternoon was our Swearing In ceremony. It was supposed to be tomorrow but it got moved up. So, we went to the US Consulate along with all of the other adoptive families. I'd guess there was maybe 60 or so families there. It was nice to see all of the ones that I've met on this trip all together again. I even saw a family who recognized me from my blog! How cool is that? The actual oath part was pretty quick. We all stood up and raised our right hands then swore that the information we had given was the truth...and there was some other stuff but I just can't remember it. It was pretty emotional though. Another step in the process of adopting our precious daughter. Then I got her passport with her visa to come to the United States. I could actually leave tomorrow but there are no seats available so I'll still be here until Thursday.

Tonight, David, my new guide, took us and Brenda, Lynn and Alison on a riverboat cruise. We had dinner and got to see the lights of the city. It was really fun but long. Olivia really likes the Crooks' daughter, Alison.



Olivia brushed her teeth for the first time today. She thought it was alot of fun! Here's a video to watch.
Check out the shoes! These are one of her new squeaky ones. She wasn't too happy about not wearing her Crocs until she started walking and heard the squeaking. Now she jumps up and down to hear them. Everyone in the hotel knows when we are coming or going!

Tomorrow we are going to the zoo with Brenda, Lynn & Alison. Say a prayer for good weather! I know that there are a lot of typos in these posts. There are two reasons. 1. The spell check doesn't work for some reason and 2. I'm always SO tired that the words usually run together! :)